Rejoice romantics and lovers, it’s that time again. Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, and for most men that means nothing until February 13th. Most of you know how I feel about Valentine’s Day… if not, you can read last year’s post: Valentine’s Day Sucks(just the title should sum it up quite nicely).

I have a very hard time supporting a holiday that was completely made up by women and Hallmark at the expense of men. There is no reason you should love someone more one day out of the year. So if your girlfriend isn’t the coolest and realizes this day is a total farce, then sit back and pay attention and you might just learn a thing or two about what not to give your Valentine…

1. Sketcher’s Shape-Up Shoes - this is a bad gift on so many levels. You might as well write on the card: “Dear Chunks, Since you are too lazy to do any sort of physical activity, I thought I would utilize the one thing you do from the sofa to the fridge…walk. Smooches – Your Future Ex-Boyfriend.” Also, if Kim Kardashian or Joe Montana can’t pull them off, no one can.

2. Jan Seymour’s Open Hearts Collection from Kay Jewlers - Every time this commercial comes on I want to simultaneously bitch slap Dr. Quinn and whoever thought her dragon like pendent was a good idea.

3. Engagement Ring - Because that is sooo cliché.

4. Flowers - Because they are expensive and die in a week… you might as well just light your money on fire. Plus I have a hard time spending money on something that I can steal from my neighbors garden, or your local cemetery for free.

5. Gift Card - The hardest part about going to the local Ralph’s and perusing the gift card kiosk is trying to pick between the dozens of choices… it’s like trying to figure out which Natalie Portman movie to see this weekend. Nothing says impersonal like a gift card. She will accuse you of being inconsiderate and not knowing her at all.

6. Bumpits - never mind… these are pretty legit. It truly does give you instant volume effortlessly.

7. A Tattoo - If you actually want to stay together with your significant other, I would avoid the permanent body art… Couple’s tattoos are the kiss of death for any relationship. And it is very hard to explain why you have another woman’s name on your chest when you hit the singles circuit.

8. Vacuum - Because it sucks… get it? Seriously though, stay away from any gift that makes your wife or girlfriend work. It makes you look chauvinistic and demeaning. That would be like her getting you a penis pump… which also sucks.

9. The Notebook - Your girlfriend might actually like this, but Nicholas Sparks has a funny way of screwing over guys. This fictional writer knows women are suckers for a romantic tale… and it will only make her wonder why you don’t take her for canoe rides in swan filled lakes.

10. A link to my blog - That is like a magician giving away his secrets! If she finds out you have been getting all your dating tips from a douche writer who can’t even spell principles right you are dead in the water.

Have you received an awful Valentine’s Day gift? Post a comment below…